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The Surprising Truth About Self-Image
Seven Signs That Point To The “Unhealthy Self-Image”
by Warren B. Seiler, Jr
We might think we feel pretty good about ourselves; however, how healthy is that
self-image, really?
What does the phrase “unhealthy self-image” mean? Most likely, we picture
someone who thinks she’s fat even though she’s at her ideal body weight; a
cringing wallflower; or a (potentially) vibrant conversationalist who’s too
intimidated to speak up. An unhealthy self-image can manifest itself through
these types of behaviors. Self-image problems also manifest in ways we haven’t
considered—ways that might even apply to you.
Individuals with unhealthy self-images aren’t always meek, weak or easy to
manipulate. In fact, often, on the surface, they can be attractive, thriving,
successful and popular. But underlying their social and monetary success is a
marked lack of inner peace and comfort; they simply don’t experience any real
joy in life. For many of them, learning their self-image is unhealthy would come
as quite a shock.
I’ve noticed these people often use shortcuts like alcohol, drugs, the
relentless pursuit of continued success, and the acquisition of material things
as a means of experiencing inner peace. This strategy might work for awhile, but
ultimately the only way to banish anxiety and uneasiness is through the hard
work it takes to develop a healthy self-image.
So, what exactly does a person with an unhealthy self-image look like? How can
we tell if we’re one of them? And most importantly, how can we go about working
toward a healthier life?
You’re tightly wound. Would you say that you often experience an inner sense of
well-being? Or are you more likely to be anxious, uneasy, stressed out, or
upset? If you answered “yes” to the second question but not the first, chances
are your self-image isn’t where it needs to be. But wait, you object. “I value
myself and my well-being pretty highly! The last thing I want to do is ‘settle.’
Why else would I be running myself ragged if not in pursuit of happiness?“
Well, you’re obviously working long hours and piling too much on your plate
because you’re looking for a sense of inner peace you don’t currently possess.
You’re overburdened, overstressed, and on a hair trigger because you’re trying
to build comfort through external as opposed to internal means. Here’s the
bottom line: to the degree your self-image is healthy, it automatically causes
you to experience inner peace, comfort, and happiness.
 We’re fiercely independent. There’s no arguing the fact that our society
idealizes the rugged individualist…you know, the person who blazes his own trail
with no regard to naysayers… someone who bucks convention and looks to no one
but himself for help. After all, this person has it figured out, right? Maybe
not. Perhaps the belief that being truly independent means not needing help or
validation from anyone is patently false—and it’s a symptom of an ailing
self-image.
Believe it or not, true independence is a state in which we recognize our
responsibility to strengthen our weaknesses and to seek advice and counsel from
whatever good source is available. People who falsely believe they need only
themselves to function are usually afraid of and incapable of genuine
commitment. They’re unable to look honestly at themselves; they lack the
maturity to recognize and confront their strengths and weaknesses.
We’re quietly destructive. As we all know, destructiveness isn’t always
dramatic. It doesn’t have to include imploding buildings, or a house that’s been
trashed in a fit of anger. Destructive behaviors can be quieter, or even
“normal”: drinking just a bit too much, using too many mood-altering drugs,
overeating, overworking, being overly critical of a spouse, failing to be
responsible in school or at work…just to name a few examples.
Even if they haven’t articulated it to themselves, these people know that
everything isn’t ‘right’ in their lives. They can sense that somewhere a piece
is missing. And so they attempt to alleviate that feeling with behaviors that
are ultimately self-defeating. It’s a vicious cycle, to these destructive
behaviors that bring about pain and emotional discomfort, which temporarily
eliminates the underlying sense of neurotic guilt. As this unhealthy neurotic
guilt begins to rise, the cycle of self-destructive behaviors repeats itself.
This process of self-destructiveness may repeat itself over and over again
unless the individual recognizes and confronts it. Unfortunately, these
self-destructive behaviors often hurt others, too…not just the individual who’s
engaging in them.
We underachieve—sometimes subtly. Sure, some folks with unhealthy self-images
underachieve in the traditional way. They procrastinate, they never seem to
accomplish much, and they’re stuck in dead-end jobs. However, even “superstars”
can be underachievers… the areas they neglect just aren’t as evident.
Here’s an example: a senior financial analyst has reached the pinnacle of his
career, but he’s also overweight and is embroiled in a messy divorce. Although
he has been successful in his career, he has underachieved in terms of physical
health and family relationships. Why? On some level, he doesn’t think it’s worth
putting that much effort into.
Those with a healthy self-image aren’t egomaniacs, but do know their own
self-worth, and capitalize on the assets they’ve been given, and that includes
‘soft skills’ like relationship-building. On the flip side, those with an
unhealthy self-image experience themselves on some level to be bad or worthless.
So why would they shed blood, sweat and tears to improve something (in this
case, themselves!) they don’t think is worth all that much in the first place?
We’re overly aggressive. There are two ways to go on the offensive. We can look
at the terrain ahead of us and map out the route that allows us the easiest
passage and causes the least disturbance to our surroundings. Or we can just
barrel full steam ahead like a football lineman, running roughshod over everyone
and everything. Both get us to the destination; however, only one earns true
respect. Does it surprise you to learn people with unhealthy self-images don’t
understand this distinction?
Individuals with unhealthy self-images simply don’t grasp the difference between
being aggressive and being assertive. They often believe that by lashing out or
dominating others, they’re building themselves up. In reality, though, they’re
just accumulating more guilt, which prompts even more aggressive behaviors.
We’re missing the Good Samaritan gene. Sure, it’s a dog-eat-dog world, and to
some extent we have to look out for ourselves. But that doesn’t mean we can’t
take a few minutes to lend a helping hand along the way! Say we’re rushing into
work (late) and we drop our briefcase in the lobby. Keeping in mind we are all a
combination of both healthy and unhealthy self-images, a coworker with a
predominately healthy self-image will stop and help us gather up our papers. A
coworker without a predominately healthy self-image will probably walk by and
maybe even snicker as we scramble to gather up our disheveled files.
 Individuals with unhealthy self-images sometimes get their kicks through the
misfortune of others. It’s not that they lack empathy; they, along with
sociopaths and con artists, are able to understand what another person is
feeling quite well. The distinguishing factor is that they lack kindness to go
along with that empathy. They are not able to treat others according to their
needs and are likely to spin others’ misfortunes to their own ego’s advantage:
at least I’m better off than that guy!
We don’t want the best for others. Ever had a “frenemy?” You know, the friend
who puts on a show of being “there for you” but still manages to pepper the
conversation with stinging little jabs and backhanded compliments? Well, turns
out Mom was right when she told our seven-year-old self to ignore our friends’
teasing: they’re just jealous.
It’s impossible for a person with an unhealthy self-image to relate to us from a
place devoid of jealousy or malice. Whether they know it or not, they’re looking
for validation and every time something goes well for you, they feel threatened.
Hence, they try to minimize your good fortune instead of just being happy for
you.
Chances are, you identified with at least one or two of the above indicators of
an unhealthy self-image. If so, don’t jump to the conclusion that you’re a
terrible person. These qualities are present in all of us, whether it’s to a
large degree or a small one. However, do be honest with yourself about your
faults and about where they originate.
What most people fail to do is take personal responsibility for the way they are
and for changing themselves. They want to blame everyone and everything ‘out
there.’ I’ll be honest—finding the willpower to quit making these self-defeating
mistakes is very difficult. The process of weakening and ultimately eliminating
the unhealthy self-image gets harder before it gets easier. But you’ll find that
if you force yourself to act in a healthy manner, it will become less and less
difficult and eventually, this healthy process will reinforce itself to the
point that you begin to transcend life’s difficulties with optimism and
confidence.
Warren B. Seiler Jr., M.D., is the author of Battling the Enemy Within. Dr.
Seiler has discovered that by tapping into both realms, psychological/emotional
and the spiritual, people can facilitate major and comprehensive self-healing in
a relatively short period of time.
Visit: www.BattlingTheEnemyWithin.com .
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