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The Nature of Support
By Sophia Falke
It was one of our bi-monthly conference calls. All the seminar leaders in my
group touch base to share success stories, challenges, new ideas and, well, to
offer support to each other. We work in different parts of the country, which
can sometimes lead to feelings of isolation. These calls help us stay connected
and (here’s that word again) support each other.
Support. Although not on the agenda that day, it became the focus of our call.
At first I wondered why we were spending so much time on this subject. Then I
realized there was a message I needed to hear. We began to define “support” and
asked if supporting someone was different from helping them?
Ahh, good point. Independent creature that I am, I’m not always comfortable when
someone offers to “help” me. A monkey mind chatter sometimes erupts in my head:
“Doesn’t he/she think I’m capable?” or “Is there something wrong with me that I
need ‘help’?” Would I respond more positively if I was offered “support”? As our
discussion progressed, I discovered I wasn’t the only one in the group grappling
with this question.
To discern if there is a difference, we talked about definitions. We decided
“support” is being there for someone in the way they need. It is seeing the
person as whole and complete. It is seeing the other person as capable, no
matter what the circumstances or how we judge them, and standing with the
individual. Interesting. Yes, with this definition, I would find it far easier
to accept support.
We returned to the original question of “Is supporting someone any different
than helping them?” We realized that we thought of help as implying an
individual cannot do something on their own, that they are in some way broken
and have to be bolstered up or else they would fail. It was the difference
between seeing the other person “in the green” (offering support) or “in the
red” (they need help).
The conversation brought back memories of when I thought of myself as “broken”
and needing to be “fixed.” It took much self-work and support from others to
recognize that not only am I whole and complete just the way I am but so is
everyone else. And I “got it!” If someone is offering me support and I resist
because I view it as “help,” a couple of things could be happening. First, I may
not recognize that the other person sees me as whole and complete. Second, my
own history and series of unmet needs may be surfacing so that I’m still seeing
myself as “broken” or needy in that area. Neither has anything to do with the
other person and everything to do with what’s missing for me.
Whole and complete or victim. Think about it; how would any of us like to be
seen and treated? As heroes, having all the answers within (seen through a green
lens)? Or as victims, broken and needing to be fixed (in the red)? And how do we
see and treat others?
The answer to both questions might seem obvious, but there are some among us who
are mired in victimville. And much as most of us want to believe we treat
everyone with respect and caring, we often fall short of the mark. For example,
how do we view the man on the street corner asking for money or the woman in the
soup kitchen line. What is our response when we hear a friend is ill and in the
hospital (especially when it’s something like cancer or a coma) or see someone
in a wheel chair? Do we see these people as whole or as broken?
How we view and respond to people is reflected in our actions. “Oh let me do
that for you” versus “What do you need from me?” or “How may I support you?”
How do we offer support to each other…as individuals, as small groups, as
organizations, as communities, and as countries? Since my seminar leader group’s
conversation on the nature of support, people have been sharing with me the
importance of support in their lives. The people in my study group tell me that
as important it is to them to deepen their spiritual understanding, it is also
the personal support they receive from the group that makes a difference. When I
went to help a friend whose car wouldn’t start, I witnessed support offered by
several passersby. It would have been easy to say, “Thank you, but we’ve got
this covered.” Instead we said, “Thank you for your support” and accepted their
assistance.
The nature of support is to be there for someone in the way they need. It is
seeing them as whole and complete and recognizing them as capable, no matter
what the circumstances or how we judge them. Support is standing with and seeing
others in their highest and best. When we do this, we are showing up as our
highest and best.
Are our companies and organizations being supportive of their workers and
customers? Are workers supportive of each other? Are our political parties and
media being supportive of the greater good of our nation or are they more
interested in seeing others as broken?
On an international level, do we view other countries and their citizens as
resilient and interested in creating better lives for themselves…or do we see
them as victims that cannot make it on their own and need our particular kind of
“help” or else they would fail?
What is the nature of support? We all have our own definitions and are open to
receiving support at different levels. At its best, support allows us to achieve
our dreams and show up as the heroes we truly are. How powerful it would be if
we all supported each other—individually and collectively—to achieve our highest
and best.
Sophia Falke is a local freelance writer. She supports individuals and
communities through her writing and her work as minister at Unity Center in the
Valley (www.uciv.org) as well as a coach and seminar leader through her company,
Embracing Greatness, Excellence Coaching and Seminars. You can reach Sophia at
Sophia@EmbracingGreatness.com . |
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