Why Is Love So Hard?

By Susan Jeffers, Ph.D.

Divorce. Heartache. Gut-wrenching arguments. Marriages filled with hurt feelings and repressed resentments. Sound all too familiar? You’re not alone. Many of us find ourselves bewildered and dismayed by how difficult and painful “love” can be. We yearn for relationships that are better, more rewarding, and just plain easier. In our hearts we know love isn’t supposed to be this way. So what are we doing wrong? And more to the point, what can we do to make our love relationships more loving?

So many of us unknowingly base our relationships on selfish love, which is a product of the ego and creates a need to control one’s partner and to ‘get’ instead of ‘give.’ People don’t do this maliciously, but rather from a sense of fear. The good news is that when we realize this truth—that our anger, blame, and judgment are really fear in disguise—we can turn our relationship around. We can start practicing real love. And it’s okay if our partner doesn’t want to work on it with us—we can do it all by ourselves.

Changing our relationship from “selfish” love to “real” love takes only one person. That means we can no longer use our mate’s refusal to work with us as a “cop out” for doing nothing. 

Whether your relationship simply needs some fine-tuning or whether it is in serious trouble, you will be amazed at how much relationship healing you can do by yourself. And if you are not in a relationship, there are many ways of approaching members of the opposite sex in a new and welcoming manner. So how do I begin? 

Expand the purpose of your relationship. As I see it, a relationship has two important purposes—a Practical Purpose and a Higher Purpose. The Practical Purpose is to have someone with whom to share our lives. Traveling the road together can be a joyous experience. But sometimes problems with money, sex, children, work, and the like can make the journey together very difficult. It is for this reason we need to have a Higher Purpose. The Higher Purpose is to learn how to become a more loving person…despite what problems come up. It is our using all the problems as a vehicle for seeing what we need to work on within ourselves to keep love in our hearts. In this way, problems become a plus instead of a minus. We learn, we grow, we are filled with creativity, we take responsibility, we feel strong, and we ultimately experience the exquisite beauty of real love. 

Handle the neediness. Neediness is an emotion created by fear and is one of the prime destroyers of love. Neediness causes us to protect ourselves at the expense of our mates, to close our hearts, to judge our mates, and blame them for our unhappiness. But when we feel strong and whole, we can be “safely vulnerable,” always knowing that no matter what happens we will handle it all. In this way, our neediness disappears and our ability to love with a sense of confidence and joy radiates throughout our beings. We become a magnet to a truly wonderful relationship.

Pick up the mirror instead of the magnifying glass. What does that mean? The magnifying glass represents our symbolically pointing a finger and blaming our mates for our unhappiness. The mirror represents looking inward and taking responsibility for our actions and our reactions to what is going on in the relationship. The mirror is self-awareness…the first step toward positive change. A few examples:

• The magnifying glass: “I am angry he is not making more money.”

• The mirror: “Why am I blaming him? It’s my own fear that is stopping me from creating money all by myself. I have to work on my fears.”

• The magnifying glass: “I am angry because she is taking time away from me to spend time with her friends.”

• The mirror: “Is my life so limited I can’t function without her for a few hours? It’s time for me to take responsibility to create more balance in my life so I don’t feel empty and needy when she is not around.”

Become the mate you want your mate to be. First make a list of all the characteristics you want your mate to have. It could look like this: loving, thoughtful, warm, considerate, caring, appreciative, romantic, generous. Now for the big challenge. Pick up the mirror and begin developing these qualities in yourself. You may be someone who resists this challenge. But how can we ask our mates to be something we have been unwilling to be ourselves? Trust me when I tell you that incorporating all these loving qualities within our own beings can dramatically alter the thoughts and actions of our mates. 

Validate your mate. We have to learn to notice and openly express thanks for the beautiful things our mates do for us. (And if you can’t find anything to thank him or her for, then why are you there?) It makes our mates feel so good when we let them know the things we appreciate about them. And it encourages them to continue doing beautiful things. Remember every relationship has its good and has its bad. By focusing on the bad, we starve. By focusing on the good, we thrive. So don’t let another day pass before you say, “Thank you. I love you.” Say it today and say it often. 

Commit to one romantic act a day. Yes, love is an emotion but it’s also an action. Regularly ask yourself, “What am I doing to keep love alive?” Then, commit to doing something every day that will make your partner feel good. Say “thank you” a lot, send a loving e-mail, buy flowers, light some candles at dinner, plan a surprise weekend. Action is a way of keeping us conscious of how blessed we are to have our partners in our lives. It may take time to push through any resistance you feel, but keep pushing. Eventually you will get yourself on the side of love. 

There are times to “lie” lovingly. You sit down to dinner together and want to complain about the fact your mate was late coming home from work. Knowing he/she is in the middle of a lot of pressure at work at the moment, it would be irrational and punishing to say, “It really makes me angry that you came home late today.” Instead, with clenched teeth, if need be, let what comes from your mouth be loving, even if you are not feeling loving. Say something like, “I’m so happy when we are together. I love you.” You will most likely get a loving response back. And the miracle of such an approach is your own tension will melt and you will feel the beauty of the moment instead of being the one to destroy it.

Stop gender bashing. You’ve probably been guilty of telling (or at least laughing at) jokes about members of the opposite sex—even when your mate is in the room. Don’t. What seems like “harmless” joking may actually be working against your efforts to move out of the realm of selfish love and into the realm of real love. When you participate in the bashing of members of the opposite sex, you are behaving in a hurtful and unloving way. Remember, if you don’t love, respect and admire the opposite sex, you won’t, by definition, love, respect and admire your mate. 

All of the above is about learning how to move ourselves from a “selfish” love to “real” love. It is also about radiating a positive and loving energy. Why is this so important? As mentioned above, science is proving that feelings are contagious. This means if you think and act lovingly, your partner will actually “catch” that loving energy. You become a model that evokes love in your mate. And the whole nature of the relationship begins to move in the direction of love. Radiating a positive and loving energy can make all the difference in the world. 

When you commit to moving beyond “selfish” love into “real” love, something truly amazing can happen. You may actually wake up one day and realize you’re sitting across the dinner table from that being you didn’t really believe existed: your Soul Mate. If you want to ‘find’ your Soul Mate, you have to become someone who lives in your soul, what I love to call the Higher Self. “We can all make the decision to live our lives with dignity, love, and caring, and to push through the inner fears that keep us from being loving people. We all have that choice.

Susan Jeffers, Ph.D., is a best-selling author and celebrated speaker. Susan’s seventeen books include Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, End the Struggle and Dance with Life, Embracing Uncertainty, Opening Our Hearts to Men, Life Is Huge!, The Little Book of Confidence, and The Little Book of Peace of Mind, as well as a Fear-less series of affirmation books and tapes. For more information, please visit www.susanjeffers.com and www.jefferspress.com 

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