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Let Go of Controlling Perfectionism
by Crystal Andrus,
(excerpted from Simply…Woman!)
Fear has many expressions. For some women, it often manifests as a need to be perfect: They want the perfect home, perfect children, perfect marriage, and perfect body; and they usually want to always appear happy and optimistic. Then at the other end of the spectrum are those who self-sabotage themselves in extremely negative ways. They become delinquent, addicted, irresponsible, neglectful, or sexually promiscuous—these are the women whom society ostracizes. We look down on the woman who’s in the bar every weekend, or the one who’s the opposite of “Suzie Homemaker,” such as the exotic dancer or the prostitute. Finally, somewhere in the middle of these two extremes are the women who are simply indifferent. Unmotivated, they live each day without hope or purpose: watching hours of TV, wasting endless time on the telephone, or chatting online with strangers. They distract themselves from their fears by vacating—that is, they self-sabotage by doing nothing at all.
Ironically, I believe that although behaviors of the perfectionist, the promiscuous, and the indifferent are contrary, the symptoms come from the same source: feeling inadequate. Inadequacy drives many to search for worth and validation. If, as children or young teenagers, they never felt pretty enough, smart enough, rich enough, tall enough, skinny enough, loved enough, or wanted enough, then they may still be carrying that fear deep inside.
Many people will do anything to hide that fear from the world. This is what drives so many of us to become controlling. This reminds me of when, a few years ago, I was upset and decided to talk to a very wise woman. I was crying and carrying on about a situation over which I felt I’d lost total control. That’s when she gently smiled and said, “You never had it to begin with.”
The enormity of her words didn’t hit me at first. But as the day wore on, I realized the magnitude of that simple statement. We really don’t have any control over the final outcome of any situation. No matter how diligent we are, there will always be extenuating circumstances. We’ll never be able to please everybody and make everyone like us. We won’t be able to stop people from gossiping about us if they want to. We can’t change our mate, children, or parents. And we’ll certainly never be able to stop natural disasters and diseases, so why do we kid ourselves into thinking we could actually have control over anything?
We must let go and choose to exert energy in the only areas we have control over: our own attitudes, moods, actions, and energy levels; what we say about others; how we view ourselves; what we put into our mouths; and what we choose to do with our bodies. The beautiful Serenity Prayer is one we should all live by:
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”
We need to love ourselves for all our frailties and imperfections because, although things could be better, they could also be worse; and in order for us to learn and grow, things are meant to be just the way they are for now. Let’s choose to love those who love us back in a healthy and giving way, and accept that we don’t always have to be right or perfect, or pretend we’re happy when we’re not. Having flaws doesn’t mean we’re flawed…but it does mean we’re human.
So how does food figure into this? Well, for many, it eases us through painful times, and loves us when no one else seems to. Yet food also causes us to feel embarrassed, weak, and ashamed.
Many of us learned unhealthy attitudes about eating while growing up. If we were raised by overly strict parents, our meals focused on following rigid rules. We learned that good little girls sat quietly at the table and ate everything on their plates (especially since throwing out leftovers was a waste of money). Mealtimes became power struggles, not celebrations, and soon we forgot how to listen to our bodies. We discovered that by keeping quiet and stuffing our feelings down with our dinner, Mom and Dad stayed happy.
If, on the other hand, we were raised by neglectful parents who were rarely around, we often fended for ourselves and ate whatever we could find. Since meals were rarely planned or eaten together, our parents would use food to deal with their own inadequacies: “I’m sorry I have to go out again tonight, but I’ll get you some ice cream and a movie.”
The trouble is, when we adults feel pain or are afraid, we still use food to comfort ourselves. We don’t always realize what we’re doing, and don’t know how to get off this roller coaster of feeling inadequate, disrespected, lonely (or whatever it might be), then eating our favorite food and feeling immediate comfort and gratification. But as the food starts to digest, we begin to loathe and feel angry at ourselves for not having willpower and being out of control. Unfortunately, the cycle begins again.
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