by Sulana Stone

THE GREAT PRETENDER

"When I was young, my punishment du jour was being sent to my room. My room became a safe haven from the irrational behavior of my alcoholic parents. To lessen the scoldings and whippings, I quickly learned to stay silent about what I felt or observed. I naturally created strategies to keep myself as safe as possible hiding my feelings, telling white lies, using sarcasm, and spending lots of time alone. And I discovered I got attention from my parents by getting ill or acting confused. So, I developed asthma and played dumb.

"Now as an adult, I long for honest, expressive relationships with co-workers and employers—and playful, truthful relationships with friends and lovers. But my own unconscious behavior sabotages the openness and intimacy I so deeply desire. I try to get people to talk about themselves without revealing anything about myself. I pretend to not know information that I do know. And I look for attention and love from other people by getting sick and playing helpless and spacey."

WHO’S THE YOU WHO MAKES YOU DO?

What do YOU do to try to make friends, stay safe, fit in, be loved? Until we undo these conditioned strategies, the decisions we made when we were children run all aspects of our lives in the present from relationships and health to finances and work.

You can easily discover the automatic behaviors that are running you. What are the specific, unique problems you had to face at your home, school, college, job—and with your parents, relatives, friends, teachers and co-workers? What personal strategies did you develop to get yourself through the challenges of your journey? Are you still using similar tactics? Are these approaches successful?

INTUITION TO THE RESCUE

The good news is that when you identify past programmed strategies that don’t work in your present life, you can create new strategies that do work. The once necessary kid tactics that kept you safe and balanced—like training wheels of a bicycle—can be discarded. You are now capable of keeping yourself balanced and safe using the guiding wisdom of your intuition and acquired life experience.

SUCCESSFUL ALTERNATIVES SURROUND YOU

Lots of people have discovered original, creative ways of dealing with situations similar to yours. Fresh models are demonstrated in the lives of truly happy and successful people. With keen eyes and perked ears, you can glean fun and compassionate life strategies from biographies, interviews, TV, movies, books, news, magazines and advice columns. Seek out a mentor, shaman or other personal advisor. Let your intuition guide you to an inspiring workshop or professional coach.

Have a good time creating new approaches to life that work! After what you’ve been through, you deserve it!