 Marriage
— A Covenant For Growthby
Laura Hess People
marry for many different reasons – to have children, because
they’re in love, because they’re “supposed to,” because
they’re afraid of being alone, and to bring two families together.
The reasons are as varied as the couples themselves. I married the
first time at 19, because I was afraid of ending up an old maid. My
first marriage lasted all of two years. Hardly one of my finer
moments. I was just another divorce statistic. Part of the
challenge is our expectations of marriage. What were you taught about
marriage? You have probably heard: “When you marry, you do it for
life.” “It doesn’t matter if you don’t get along, you stay
married.” “It will all work out, no matter what.” “Marriage
will make you happy.” For women, “Marriage will make you whole.”
and “DO it to make your mother (or father) happy.” I’ve heard
women marry their fathers and men marry their mothers. In my first
marriage that was certainly true. In my current marriage, my husband
is the farthest thing from my father he could be. Still, for me and
for many women, as soon as the ceremony was over, a shift happened
inside me that changed me. There is an
unspoken belief for women about marriage: As soon as the words “I
do” are spoken, we suddenly become the second half of a couple and
lose ourselves. Of course it’s not really true. We are still
individuals. However, there is an expectation we will become the Mrs.
to our Mr. Inside of us we take on a new role and become subordinated
citizens to our husbands. Everything we do as wives will be directly
related to what our husbands do and want. We will become, in effect,
joined at the hip. (It’s interesting this happens for women only.
Typically, men are not impaired in their lives by this “losing of
self” in marriage.) I remember my
mother saying to me once, that when I got married, I’d let go of all
the things I want and believe and take on what my husband wanted me to
be. I know at the time she believed that. It’s what she did when she
married my father. Intellectually I argued. However, that’s still
exactly what I did when I got married. What’s the
alternative? I believe in the concept and viability of marriage. None
of us is meant to live alone and there is tremendous joy possible in
sharing your life with a mate. If we want healthy marriages though, we
need to change our expectations. Marriage does
take work. Great marriages don’t just happen, they are created.
Saying “I do” is not enough. Entering with an open mind and heart
is not enough. Man and women must be aware that what they are agreeing
to is a shared growth opportunity. Philip, my
husband, has been one of my greatest teachers so far in my life.
We’d been together four years before we got married. In the
beginning there was tremendous passion, just like in most
relationships. Romantic love was very much a part of our lives. Almost
immediately, though, I started reacting to the unwritten code of a
woman’s role in marriage and about three years after our wedding
day, I began feeling like this was not going to work for me. Life
became a daily struggle between us and both of us began to wonder if
we’d still be together in a year. On the outside,
things still looked fine. Only those close to us had a clue there was
anything amiss. This was the beginning of one of my darkest times
though not in a negative sense. I stepped into a great unknown and
began walking in the dark, not knowing what was ahead. I was highly
emotional and volatile, did not laugh much and did not do a lot of
sharing with Philip. I was working with two coaches at the time,
reading a lot of books and listening to a lot of tapes. I had to begin
looking at what was coming up for me and the mirror that Philip was
for me in my life. What were my lessons? What were my opportunities? First I let go of
us being “joined at the hip.” I became my own person again and an
individual in a shared life. I examined all the relationships I’d
had with men, beginning with my father and the role I’d take on as a
woman as a result. I was able to soften the edges of my personality
and allow the feminine side of me to be seen more. I was able to be
more vulnerable with Philip and trust he would not hurt me in my
vulnerability. I was able to stop being a mother to Philip and instead
became an adult partner in his life. I was able to stop controlling
him (as if that were possible anyway) and allow him the space to grow
himself, for even as he was an opportunity for me to grow, so was I
for him. There is so much
more. Still, I am grateful every day that I did not follow my usual
pattern of behavior and walk out of my marriage. I am thrilled with
where we are today in our relationship. We do not have the same
romantic, passionate love we had seven to ten years ago. What we have,
instead, is a depth of love that is more knowing and respectful of who
we are as individuals and what we bring to our partnership. What I want for
every married person is to understand it is a shared life of
opportunity. As one of you grows, the other is resting and supporting.
Then the roles reverse. This is a dance that continues throughout your
marriage. It is a joy. It is a process. It is an intimacy that can
only be shared in trust, in respect and in love. Enjoy the journey. It
may be the most enriching one you will ever be on. § You can contact Laura Hess at laura@sparckint.com |
